..swallowed up in the sound of my screaming..cannot cease for the fear of silent nights...

ever seen how biased adults are? and how incredibly stupid? and also how they've lost everything of worth in the world? it should be obvious. seriously. my parenst are super-biased(on top of the paranoia). they will allow me to go out with joanne or any of the HoGC people with just a single word, and yet they make such a big fuss about me going to alethea's house. its liek they don't like my school friends or something, and expect me to be some perfect geeko stereotyped girl who sits at home all day and studies. whose only goal in life is to be top of the class, then the level, then the school. its like they want me to be just another rat in the race of life. its sickening.
i am still pissed off at the very guts they have. being so cautious and showing such an uutterly unobvious dislike to my friend is such an insult, and when i argue my point that they are unreasonable for just brushing off the matter like that without even consideration, they tell me i have a bad attitude. a bad attitude for standing up for my friend? how absolutely blind can they get? they are so caught up in themselves.

all they care about is the world, and how i am, and my attitude and all the other rubbish. they see nothing in fairytales and fantasy and "can be" and "could be"
all they see is reality. they are so rooted ion the monotone of life they fail to hold the light and hope and imagination of a child. they call me immature. immature that i stand up for my friends, that i can see right through their guise. they say i have a n attitude, but i think they just want to shield the fact that they are biased, that they don't like anyone from my school, or anyone outside their little circle for that matter. i think they know i can tell their feelings. and since they make the rules, they can change them. and the y say i, who am forced to follow their rules, are unreasonable. tell me, how can one who is forced the compromise be unreasonable? isn't that incerdibly dumb?

parents can't see the simple truths children do. when i look at them, i don't want to grow up anymore. i don't want to become so tangtled in reality that i leave the imaginations of my life behind-- like they have. its both pitiful and infuriating.

sometimes i think my parents don't like me very much. i mean, i know that they love me. but i feel as if they are doing it more on a i-have-to-do-it-because-im-accountable-to-god basis. they pretty much said that themselves. my dad said "one day i will be accountable to god for you, so i cannot let something bad happen to you" . sure it sounds good and all. but take it apart and examine it. can you not also intepret as that because he is going to be accountable, thus he is being cautious? i know they love me. its like a golden rule for parents to love their children, because if they don't they don't look good. but do they like me?

somehow i doubt that. i really do. i don't think they like me at all, in fact. i feel like they don't like my character, my talents or antyhign about me. they want me to be your perfect litle miss studious, the smartest girl in class, alwyas top of the level and the one the teachers love. that is exactly who i don't want ot be. i want to be my own person. i want to be seen as someone who thinks for herself, and if you don't like me because of my beliefs then i won't suck up to you for your approval. i don't want to be the top of the level or the class, or the school. i would never ever, in my entire life, trade my writing for top student. never. there's nothing in this world that means more to me than my writing. and that's why they don't like me. partially i suppose. they always say its good i can write well, but i don't really think they like the idea. i mean, you can never be rich being an author. people write not for the money but for their satisfaction. if to earn money or for fame is your goal in writing, you will neve rachieve it. that's why i like writing. its a fair thing-- if you don't have an honest heart, you will never succeed. i've always felt that whatever you write carries a part of you in it. that's why words can be so special.
but i think my parents don't like me because of my differentness, my individuality. i want to think by myself. i make my own style. i don't want to be normal. i just want to be true to myself, always. i'd rather die than dishonour myself. i live by that and it keeps me alive.

and they reject me so. they reject that i love something which seems so superficial to them. they can never understand how much it means to me, ever. you have to have that spirit, that fire of words in you before you can comprehend. you cannot pretend to know. writing is like a white fire, defining blatant truth from deceiving lies. but they don't see the depth of it. just an obsession, a passing phase, she will get over it. i proclaim now that i never will.

and then they despise my art, my love for fantasy and the things that do not exist. they will never understand that my salvation lies in my dreams and the realm i have created for myself. they don't ever understand what its like to be me. a social outcast, a black rose, a nocturnal moth. they don't see how i never belong anywhere, because of who i am. i can only feel the bonds of friendship with certain people, i can only connect with them and them only. yet they try and tear me away, and force me onto others whom i cannot feel at home with. and when i take refuge in the only place i know how, they despise me for it.

their words of how they sacrifice, how its all for my own good. they seem so empty to me. as empty as my heart feels when i know beyond the shadow of a doubt, that they cannot accept me for who i am.

...i'm shedding, shedding eveyr colour..trying to find a pigment of truth beneath my skin..


you are the "I hate you so bad" happy
bunny. You hate everyone and eveything and your
not ashamed of it.


which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


Nihilist Bear


Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
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Industrial rock! Just like Marilyn Manson, you
know what you have to say and you just say it!
I like you very much...just be careful you
don't scare me away...


What genre of rock are you?
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You're Element is Night. You're a loner who is very
creative but never show your work to anyone.
You may smile a little but sadness or
loneliness surround you and other can feel it
when they're near you. You have a dark or
unusual beauty that makes you mysterious and
you probably have a lot of secrets that you've
never told anyone. You're beauty is intriging
and unorthidox but the real thing that makes
you special is your eyes. Something in them
makes them like "Diamonds in the
Rough"


What's Your Element(girls)? (PICTURES)
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You'd carve them up with your chainsaw. I like your
style, you show much promise. Join me?



How would you Murder?
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You belong in the land of darkness, otherwise known
as one of the worlds in which I dwell. All here
is beauty inspired by tragedy and great sorrow.
Write or go through other creative outlets to
express the anguish you may be feeling, and
never let anyone tell you that you are just
being 'weepy' or full of 'teenage angst'(if
you're a teenager.If not, then they really
should be punished for calling you one. They
probably are trying to insult your
maturity...fools.)and always remain yourself,
dark and amazing. Never change.


Where do you belong?(ANIME IMAGES)
brought to you by Quizilla


Darkness. You Truly Desire Darkness. You wish
everyone around you was either dead, or
worshipping you. To you, life is not a gift,
but a punishment. You have no consideration for
others and do as you please.

PLEASE RATE


What Do You Truly Desire? *PICS*
brought to you by Quizilla


You are most likely to be the Vampire
Incubus!

The Incubus is the greatest example of all that is
monstrous about vampirism. Seemingly having no
regrets, it thrives on and thoroughly enjoys
the act of killing, the partaking of blood, the
stealing of life; and along the same lines, the
incubus loves to display the might of its
vampire powers, mostly focusing on the ones
that have the darkest of natures. It usually
chooses to physically appear as twisted as the
desires within, but also can choose to mask
itself with the deceptive vampire charm and
appear beautiful. Because of its utter embrace
of the darkness, the incubus can easily be a
most powerful vampire.

Dominant personality trait: Evil

Dominant color: Black

Fictional Vampire Examples: Dracula ('Dracula
2000'), Nosferatu ('Nosferatu')

Curious to see how you would fare as a creature of
the night? Come this way...


Vampire Classification Quiz (w/ Pics)
brought to you by Quizilla





its been pretty weird lately..ne? yes im sure it is. went to sentosa on thursday for ipw...our topic is mairne conservation yupyup...it was kinda fun. went underwaterworld and we were all on the travelator watching the HUGE fish swimming around and going oh my god...oh my god...etc...
u get teh picture. but it was very scary in a cool way, cuz all the shraks and rays and huge groupas and wadeva else were like right next to u, staring at you wif their huge eyes. freaky but cool...^.^ then we wnet to look at the jellyfish and the (cute)sea otters, the seahorses+dragons, the anemone life and all the other stuff. had a nice guide called sharifah. then she brought us to teh kitchen and behind the scenes stuff. went into the freezer where they keep the raw fish and it was so nice and cold. and also we were like walking on top of the whole underwaterworld, and you could see the sheer size of the fish swimming around just beside you....damn its freeky i tell you...
then we saw how they quarantine the fish and turtles and the electric eel...all very cool stuff...

hmm went delifrance for lunch. the food is bloody ex, like one potato for 9 bucks??! well anyway i ate alot and spent like 12 dollars on lunch. then losh amu n i we all ate ice cream yepyep. then went to the beach to waste time. i wrote FE LOVES (v) ANIME on the sand and everyone was rolling their eyes and like -wadeva fefe-
XD
then we went dolphin lagoon. touched the pink dolphin and charlena said it felt like a pink sausage lolx! nice one char....

friday was de last day of school. had half day,but it was sucky and boring. we had a horrendously BORING presentation and speech stuff in the morning, then sepnt rest of the day cleaning our cassroom. then,like every last day of school, we all sat in one circle and settled some loose ends before getting our report books. and i was of course, dman pissed with my results.
told my mum first thing....and even though i've been dreading and putting off me telling her for ages, it wasnt even that bad. she just talked to me and told me to work harder....and that was it. i was like...wow...
0.o
and ha dmy first guitar lesson. ok its hard to play, really. i can play a teensy bit of Bring me to life, and trying to get smoke on the water right...problem is i have no idea wad da fingerings are!!!*gasp* i will work harder...(C) boxer LOL
ale asked me to go her hse on tues. i told her maybe la...dunno if my parents will consent. and i cant go for training this week cuz i got maths comp. on thurs and im goin on holiday on sat. so it will have to wait..besides, my mum also is kinda reluctant for me to go trng...gotta go convince her...

oh well. such has been my life lately. BORING to say the least. and thats just the least. its saturday...i shld have fun..! shld i watch POTC?or LOTR?or mulan?or AF?or Lion King II?or WHAT? maybe gladiator...havent seen tt one in a long time...
yeah.
gen is in italy right now. italy. which has rome as its capital.
ROME!!!
i love that place...god..i dun wanna think of how much fun shes having now.
rome.italy.
strangling.gen.now.(mentally at least)

...tearing my heart into a million pieces..like you always do...

He averted his eyes from everything, as if he could not bear the sight of them. They whispered about him, voices hushed-- soft enough to be private, loud enough for him to hear. Their eyes bore into him, pulling him down, assessing him. It made him sick. They would were on a daily high always, keeping up appearances and making a name for themselves. The teachers loved them, everyone wanted to be in their group, their little clique of popularity. He didn't understand them. He was different from everyone else and so he was the loner, the outsider. He didn't care very much either.

Valcryn hooked his lean fingers on his belt and watched as the other students bustled excitedly in the Grand Hall. He wondered again why he was here, and had to remind himself that he wasn't paying a single cent for it. He was being reinbursed, and he was not wasting his time. After all, his master had commanded that if he wanted to remain a bounty hunter, he would graduate from this Academy. The elf came close to cursing. With all these fags and jockeys all around him, Val thought he'd suffocate before he could come close to graduation night.

He leaned casually against one of the huge columns supporting the massive structure of the Hall. Its ceiling was covered by a painting of a black and white unicorn riding across the sky. The walls were made of alabaster, shining eerily in the faint morning sun. Val eyed the long tables-- supposedly the place where they would eat-- and imagined all the delicious food which would,hopefully, be piled there. Almost all the new students were sitting at the tables, chatting and conversing loudly. He could practically watch the different groups forming, weaving themselves into life. The atheletes, the jockeys, the beauty queens, the smart ones, the goths. And of course, the drifters, like him. So far, he hdan't spotted even one.

"Get away from me!"
A shrill voice cut through the chatter, almost at a shout. He watched the owner-- an aunburn haired girl with a superior look and snobbish gaze-- as she jumped off her seat as if it were hot coal. She squealed and grabbed the arm of the guy next to her. The snob screamed hysterically, her little club joining in.

"Vampire!"

All over there was panic, even a few weapons drawn. The crowds parted a little and made a tiny one metre circle around a girl, sitting calmly in her chair with a bad smirk on her face. She looked a little too pale, and her violet eyes seemed somewhat deviod of fire and soul. Despite that, her twisted lips were every bit convincing of her demeanour.

"You freak!" shrieked the snob girl. "How dare you sit near me?"

"If i recall correctly," the vampire answered. "It was you who sat opposite me."

The snob only scrunched up her face and whimpered, extracting a low growl from Val's throat. "Disgusting creatures like you shouldn't even be allowed here!"

The vampire didn't seem offended in any way by that remark. Quite the opposite- she seemed almost accustimed to it. "But I am here. Wanna make something of it?" her tone was edged with danger.

The snob glared at her and uttered a long line of arcane words, sending a huge ball of glowing white lightning swirling the vampire's way. A loud explosion racked the place like a giant's foot, and everyone shuddered in their places. The smoke cleared away quickly, and the auburn haired girl smiled.

"I hope the hellspawn rots." she hissed.

Unfortunately for her though, a lithe and wiry figure emrged from the greyish oblivion. The vampire still had that dirty smirk on her face, and everyone watched with wide eyes as her half decapitated arm mended itself back together.

" Is that all you got?"

dun ask me wads dat abt. i dunt know either.

...think too much..feel too much..want too much can you feel the touch?..

reading The House of Windjammer now. execellent book. about a boy called Adam who has to take over the Windjammer Business all by himself. Set in amsterdam, which is a damn cool place =)Watched The Emperor's C;ub in school today. very good show. excellent plot and the presentation just rox...alethea and i were like "whoa...look at the school..."
amuda was like "i want their jersey" alethea was "i want their teacher" and i was "I WANT THIER SCHOOL."
lolX ^.^
but yeah. awesome show. got some of my lineart done today...six in fact..and lookign forward to my 1111 pageview on DA...!! currently booing gen into getting devart. heehee...i really should start writing, but i got not much inspiration..sighz...goin to watch the play tomorrow! but have to live thru geog n sci n MATHS>.gawd....how sucky.then gonna get a change on my braces.
oh and did i mention im learning the electric guitar?? yep...first lesson tmr too..dunno i just feel so weird having 2 get a stranger to teach me LOL....very weird...
got my bronze 4 swimming today. swimming was dman fun, and i got a hideous tan...XD
arggh its a painful day for me. burned the top of my mouth with soup and hot fries, and banged my hand on the chair and now it hurts like hell..maybe cracked....??hopefully LOLX
ah well ig euss dats life...ya...gonna bug gen now..!!
~lit stil rawks my sox=)

...esperance...

Esperance.
it means hope.
the irony is that, there is little hope in life. i've been feeling like shit all week. everything seems to be falling on me and working in conjunction to push me off the edge. let me tell you, it's damn well working.
bazhang had to awaken the monster in me. and i had to get back my results. 91 in level. 91..! and 17 in class....wad da fuck is wrong wif me? only 3 a2s and four b3s and 1 c6
the weight settles on me like an executioner's axe...
how am i to face up to my mum and dad? what should i fear?? the worst case scenario..?
*wry smile*
and to think, there are certain people who can get 90 and complain about it...thats humanly impossible, or at least i thought so. until *blank* did...i mean, shes got like god-noes-how-many a1's and like 1st or 2nd in class and 5th in level or sth...and *blank* is still goin on and on about how she could have done better. god i can just shoot *blank* sometimes....

how can some people be so completely idiotic? its unearthly, i tell you...
they try to seem as if they're sympathetic and theyr so much worse than you, but its so damn fucking fake....its obvious, and i dunnno why i bother being nice about it. seriously, now i cant be bothered to argue my innocence or prove my point or tell ppl off. if they wanna be like dat, its their loss and i aint caring abt it.
argh. i cant stand all these ppl hu r sooo hardworking and yet whine and just make me more annoyed.

and notice i say hardworking. ever noticed how ppl will worship all those geniuses, and they think everyone else is completely 100 % dumb wif da iq of a rock? seriously....im not boasting ok...but i might not be top but im not completely STUPID either..give me some credit..! just becuz i dun top class, or get straught distinctions or know every word in the sci tb doesnt mean im some dumbass....
ppl r shallow. there r many ppl hu think im a no-brainer. many ppl think that im slow and not sharp just becuz im not actively nasty and i tend to be a bit dramatic. they just think im stupid...and its extremely infuriating. im NOT stupid. if i, or 4 dat matter everyone studied as hard as some ppl, we could prob beat them lots...
really.
its only how much we study. so stop thinking im empty, and i dun understand ur jokes, or dat i dun notice certain emotions ppl display, or dat i dunno ur ulterior motive. because let me tell you, i do. im just nice enough or culdnt care less abt exposing you.

trust me. if i wanted to be mean, i can be.
then u'll be sorry because i'll use u and manipulate u and betray you.
i noe more than i let on.....
remember that.

mysterious as the dark side of the moon...

have i mentioned, how much i hate huang bazhang?? (direct translation=yellow dumpling)
dat idiot. dat stupid creature who calls herself our chinese teacher..she ought to be thrown from twelve storeys onto a sharpened mercury stake....

calling bazhang a she is too mild and superior, so she shall be and It. It came into class today and commanded us(me,ale,cass k.+a.,sarah,gladys,shirlyn,binsan) to move infront. and we were like AS IF. and It mades us all stand. ok FINE BE THAT WAY so i just read my book in its face. put it away, it says. i actually indulge her(surprise surprise) and start taking out my murderous vibes on val and hayken...and she even wants to rob me of my right to write..THRICE GODDAMIT...and she was like saying, "you're not worthy of MY respect. I should not even bother showing you any of MY respect because you don't deserve it. don't you laugh and smile in MY face. your chinese is so horrible and you want to show ME that sort of face. you will amount to NOTHING."

WHAT DA FUCK

SHE CAN FUCKIN GROVEL AT MY FEET AND DIE IN MY CLAWED HANDS WITH HER BLOOD RUNNING DOWN MY CHIN

assholesycophantstupididiotbitchbastardpompousselfrighteousbloboffatpileofshitdungbeetlebrianlessturdtwerpjerkassmothafuckincrapshitfuckerdungheadlumpass

i can seriuosly just rip her apart with my bare and sharp hands, feel her skin tear in my fingernails and her hair ranted from her fucking head as i bite her heart out from under its piles and piles of lard. she thinks shes so great and mighty and she can rule our lives. well shes goddam wrong. she cant do anything to stop me. she cant take away my rights and freedom of a human being. unfortunately, shes a creature and a bazhang and a pile of fat shit on the road, so i sppse she doesn'y understand the basic psychology of the human race. i feel no pity.

i'm showing my rebel side, my attitude. shes pushed me too far and now im going rebel and ain't nothing gonna stop me.fe the rebel is painting the city red with blood.

NO GUTS NO GLORY

dream a little dream...dream a little while...

i'm in school, and its one hour recess...
and i'm bored^.^
i feel like writing the story....cuz i have lotsa ideas and i was totally submerged in it this morning in the car..:)
cant wait to get home...! having some lame ass math trail thingy...im jus gonna sit in class and do NOTHING...
like who cares about maths??it sux to the core...
so there. im changing from enthu to anti social brat...
who give a damn anyways??

^__^

its been soooo boring today. had some lame ettiquette talk in the morn. played bluff and i lost both times LOL....im loosing my touch from all these years of abandon hehe...
ah heck cares but i do not.
i have nothing to do...
im so bloody DEAD.
i wanna write....
gonna go bacj 2 class soon...
im bored on e comp :P

now let the day just slip away so the dark night may watch over you...Nocturne

its quiet.
quiet in a very un-quiet sense, if you get my meaning. you know, like those silences where you just wish something would drop and shatter on the floor? silences when Secret Garden should be playing in the background, reflecting the emotions broiling within your heart.
its amazing how they do it. The secret garden musicians. everytime i listen to their music, it seems to bring into a whole new place-- sad yet full of emotion. it calms the storm that rages in my mind, a storm i fear i cannot tame, for it is too violent to come into my wield.
parents don't understand.
it's so common, but it is true. they think that just because they are older, and more experienced, and so-called "wiser" in the ways of the world, they think they understand everything. they just aren't open to changes in the world. the fact of it is that they DON'T understand. they don't understand that the world is changing, and that it wasn't what it had been in their time. the timeline is different, and they an't ecpect everything to halt and suit their purposes. they have to stop, and think, am i adapting or am i stagnating?
most often, they will think they are adapting. they always do. you see, that's the big problem with grown-ups. it's as though they have all the power. at least they think they do. they think they're right--always. they have this extremely annoying attitude which is like they have done so many things in the world, made so many sacrifices, and now you owe them your life and are forever indebted, or something. that's what i detest most about adults and parents. self-righteousness. they act as if everyone should bow to them because of their vast collection of years. and when someone younger voices his opinions or tries to correct them, they take it as an insult. they think young people are too inferior and superficial to be of any worth listening to.

did jesus not say, let none despise your youth?

you see, it all boils down to pride. the older generation has--evidently-- more of it than the younger generation. of course, most people would object violently. but that is simply looking on the surface of most brash, cocky youths. yes, they do seem more proud than the silent and severe older generation. but have you actually thought and onserved deeper than that?
you see, despite their brave and confident bravado and winning smiles, youths have very little self-esteem. they act as if they do, because they want to hide it--to seem brave. many of us are that way, myself included. but look deeper. deeper than the cavalier grins.
look closely at the face of a teen who has done badly in her examination. she will whine in an insincere, something along the lines of "Haiz, i did so badly..." for about five minutes. then he or she will start talking to everyone else, and joke and laugh it off, as if it were nothing--life goes on kind of thing. but next time you see that, be sharp and observe. you can see the wryness of the grins, the stab of pain in the eyes, maybe even a small, slight cringe. look very very deep. those smiles are forced, pained even. they say they don't care. inside they fight back torrents of disappointment.

look at one of the older generation. when they do badly, they do not cry. they nod and swear to work harder, but they do not express anything. because they feel only room for self-improvement. there is pride in them, which can be positive or negative-- pride that drives them to work harder, or pride that makes them feel superior to the younger ones.

can you not see the dofference?

grown-ups don't understand. it is extremely obvious. they say we are pampered-- we never had to work hard, to live hrough horrid conditions, to toil in rice fields. but what are those? in the realm of the physical. what they cannot see is the emotional bruises and cuts we have undergone. everytime a bad mark comes by, we fight for control over our emotions. we try hard not to snap under the pressure of achieving the best, being the greatest, proving our worth. we strive to fit into the society, not to be a loser, an outcast. we fight for survival, for our take on the cake of life. we grit our teeth and push through low times of our lives. we almost break when coping with the many many things which bombard our minds. and we still have to keep patient, to try and explain why we do certain things to a group of oldies who can't understand. we still take time to try and accomodate. but they don't see that. they only see us throwing our weight around, not doing anything. thye blame us when things go wrong, and they are always correcting us, because we're always wrong. the veyr idea of how badly we are scarred in our hearts has never crossed their minds.

physical wounds can heal with help. but how do you treat a hole in the heart? how do you nurse a slash in your spirit? and yet we push on. we do not give up and we push on.
so why is it we are repeatedly described as pampered and spoilt, when they have never seen what it is like, how ugly the world is to us. hw we pull through and endure, some more than others. yes, they may be stronger and resilient in body, but i believe that the youths of today have far stronger and ruggard spirits than those of decades before.

why then,do they condemn us and our ideals so?

without a mask..where will i hide?...can't find myself...lost in your eyes..
EVERYBODY'S FOOL

am i...?
i'm so tired of being here.
surpressed by all my childish fears
she feels the weakness creep under her skin..
if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
her head, buried deep in her hands..can't they all go away?
cause your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone
her bones ache to the soft white marrow, tales of pain and pleasure weaved into a porous maze of confusion....
these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just so much that time cannot erase
she writhes in agony, as the beast attacks her, ripping her heart and soul into millions of shred...
you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
why was it doing this to her? after all seh strove, and wished and broke her back for..?why?
i held your hand through all of these years
but you still have...
tears streamed down her cheeks..
all of me
you use to captivate me with your resonating mind
now i'm bound by the love you left behind
she falls back, her hands grappling the once-present slavation, now slipping away...so quickly..so far away..
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice has chased away all the sanity in me
she cries, her voice splitting the air..so hoarse and lost..there is no refuge from her torment
these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just so much that time cannot erase..
she falls backwards, all hope leaving her, an exodus into eternity..
you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
the heat engulfed her once beautiful wings, now bleeding into the dust..
i held your hand for all of these years
her halo falls, like a crown from the head of a queen..
you still have
she clutches her heart and shuts her eyes, tumbling into an evanescent unferno
All Of Me

OMFG
VAN HELSING SO TOTALLY RAWKS!!!!!
OMG~!!
like wow!!!i nvr realised how cool hugh jackman was!!!seriously...gwaah..!!it was so so so so so awesome! everyone must go watch!! a great movie definitely worth the money...god..it was jus great i tell u.
went wif maria. and we were chattering away in the cinema cuz it was o bloody cold, and all those riding-on-horseback-in-the-alps scenes weren't helping too much either...then i kept askin hugh to lose his hat, and maira was like "there they go, taking the horses wif em."
lol.
then at the end, i was like, "he dint loose the hat." annd maria was "he dint loose the horses either."
=D
yeah ok, wer kinda lame. but it was seriously and awesome show, i tell ya...
and i got inspiration and now i know how 2 continue my story...!!!
drawing now. im in a van helsing mood!!!!
ahhhh!!! van helsing rox my bloody blue sox!!
and i forgive u jamie...even tho u made me desparate and seem a complete idiot running ard goin hu wants 2 watch van helsing???!!
yeah well, since im nice, and a gd pal, i shall forgive you.
altho u still r a complete and total asshole.
=)
lol.

*glomps pillow*
....dumdumdumdumdumduum duuuuummmm.....
ITS 11 MAY
DO YOU NOE WAD DAT MEANS???
IT MEANS.......
THE MYEs R OVER!!!!
^.^"
it is finished.
or shld it be i am finished?
=Pahh wellz, im gonna jus enjoy my freedom now and worry about results later...although its freeky dat hmt pprs r comin back dis friday..! must day ruin our life ALREADY?
argh.
ok ok, gurl, jus ignore the hate,disaster,chaos and sickening sadisticness aorund you, under the pretext that u are way more sadistic than that...right.just today,i'll go into shallow stuff such as what happened today..why?
1. i'm having seriusly serious writer's block, and so cant think of anything to write thats vaguely interesting.hopefully alethea can help me out in dat department.dat gurl is a gold mine of inspiration...
2.i had a fun day. and tmr will be funner.
=)
ok. so went out wif ale today. to funan, and we were playing xbox while waiting 4 challenger 2 open...played this game called Thirteen. was sppse 2 go around and complete missions, and kill enemies. like red fraction, xept not scifi. very funny. cuz we played multi-player, and ale couldn't tell who was the enemy and who was the friend and she dint even noe wad she looked like...! haha...so i killed her like, twice??lol...but i oso got killed lotsa times. both of us quite siao liddat, anyhow playin the game. then the xbox console is soo cool!! vibrates when u shoot! awesomez ya?? haha..
yar, then we went 2 challenger. looked around the pc games sect+ps2 sect. alethea was sayin how creepy diablo looked, and i thot it looked boring. yupz...im flaming again. anyway, she actually wanted 2 get dis game wif a cute red-haired guy on the front. and then she wanted 2 get Drakengared. in the end she dint get anything lol...
i was pissed cuz i had only like 10 bucks, and u so cant buy a vid game wif 10 bux..!!:P
hehe..anyway, i played bike racing n i think i bashed like....50 times???ahahahaha...
okok..nuff stuff abt xboxes n ps2s 2 bore ya alr ne?

yepz. den we rushed 2 kino...(drooling after famous amos!!)and i bought King of the Bandit Jing....and then rushed home, but was erm...half hour late?
lol.
and spent 21.90(21.90??!!) on comics at com conn. Priest4,Extra Joker,Ragnarok2.
ah well.im still loaded...
and perky.at least better than yesterday.
cant wait 4 van helsing tomorrow!!
yesh!! wif jamie n mayb alethea...
i even drew a vamp today..influenced by van helsing..
oh
did i mention there is a HUGEEEE VAN HELSING POSTER IN FUNAN?????!!!!!!!!!!
^-^
ok.tata ppl.im gonna enjoy my life.while it lasts..


coloured..!

have u seen the sky lately?
its gold.really. the light that filters through my window, and defines the shadows on the walls-- its a marvelous shade of honey-ohcre-indian-sunshine-brightlight-neon-yellow gold. beautiful isn't enough to describe it. i haven't seen such a beauitful sky in a long time...
i remember the sky was violet and ochre and streaked crimson once, 3 years ago. that was one of the prettiest skies ever. violet and ochre and red....spreading like paint across a film of delicate sapphire-robin blue.
of course, skies in new zealnd were always like that. violet ochre crimson. or pale gold. or luminescent imperial blue. azure carpet as the sun sets and the moon rises, bleeding a sheet of stars. then black, dark as midnight and coal and smog.
colours.
it's funny, how the base colour of everything is black. imagine, everything you see around you can be separated, broken down, digested into black. black as the eggs of the beluga sturgeon, which will fade to oblivion without it. i dress in black, always a figure of dark and light, a pale moth, a shadow, a dark one, a child of the night. and yet my dreams-- they are in technicolour....they swirl and vivdly unroll across my vision, these double spots of unholy black fire which lengthen and shrink with the sources of light-- my eyes which lend me the colours and things i so vividly describe.
if i had not my sight, my mind would make its own reality.
i am a film negative of everyone else. they are blue red green and yellow, and in am black and white. they aspire towards something, their life is full of hope and adventure, and they are always smiling, always happy. i have no goal to reach other than that of my writing, my life is dim as the stars in the sky, and i look like a black and white photograph beside them, modern kodaks of multi-colour. i glow with dark light. they shine with vivid brilliance. i wear millions of masks over and over and over again, and they smile and alugh and grin and live like there is naught in the world but hope and joy and peace.
i wonder if they dream in black and white, and i in technicolour?

i am like violet in francesca lia block's novel, lestat in anne rice's mind,aubrey in amelia rhodes' books...

that girl with the short hair, the sly-looking kid, prankster, fool, jester, "what's your name again?",hat, elf, that tall girl, "why you so tall?", fe, fefe, fifi, feefee, iron, irondora,sarcastic fool, anime-crazy, poet, shakespeare, sister, loner, "smile!", slacker, evil twin, depressant, unenthusiastic, crappy, insane crazy gurl, foul mouth, "so bad!", "fe, you're mean."

someone please inform me, which face is the real one?

just 2 let u noe, i have a grand total of...*drum roll* $8 in my piggy bank. have i mentioned how rich i am?

i hate life and the insane things it does to you.
bad attitude..
look who has the bad attitude, prancing around self-righteously as though they haven't committed a sin in the world, thinking they know everything about life and that they can rule all people lower than them(which means say,the entire other populace of the human race?). thinking they know so veyr much, and they understand everything, and can go striding around with their holier-than-thou stares and noses so high up you can count the hairs in them. thinking they can judge everything and everyone, and that they are always and forever correct.thinking they have all the power in the world, that only They know right from wrong, and you're nothing but an insignificant little rodent looking the dust on the street, and thou shalt obey I...
bad attitude indeed.

the book is bad, he says. oh i am so sorry your royal higness of perfection may i proceed to prostrate at your feet? perhaps polish those leather loafers of yours, ne? or maybe i should bring fourth and exotic gift or roman carpet with someone akin to cleopatra inside, so that your great worthiness the most high are worthy of such a gift. oh i cower in your presence, oh lord, i cower in thy presence indeed....
like wadeva
*rolls eyes*
and so he says its bad and he won't buiy just because he THINKS he understand the world o fantasy and intrigue and love and magic. just because he THINKS he knows what goes on in the forgotten realms, and he suddenly the world's best expert in fantasy novels when he hasnt even read a single bloody one. FINE. BE THAT WAY. i go find another book that you may proceed to rip apart and give a verdict on whether it is suitable or not, just like in the court of law. but let me care to remind you, dear friend, sometimes the court of law puts innocent men in jail.
and guess what. he just leaves me there and goes off, angry about MY bad attitude when he was
!)superbly paranoid and has to censor every bloody thing in my life so that i can be your stereotyped innocent little girl who digs ice cream and sings laa-laa britney spears songs
2)unreasonably insensitive. give me those other two books first...oh i say dear sir,i can buy two other books just because you cant understand one and the other doesn'ty have FANTASY written on its spine?thats a very fair judgement i think you should bring it to the government...that way serial killers will run free in the streets
3)selfishly annoying. fine. just walk off that way. sure i walked off but to get another book. and you? you just left me behind in that bloody bookshop and i had to use my own bloody money to pay for ONE out of THREE books which i had wnated and i am now fucking broke with only 30 cents to get my mum chocs and a bouquet of flowers. i think you have not noticed sir, that this is the 21st century and meals do not cost 25 cents anymore....

fucking day. now i have to dig up what's left of my piggy bank to get my mums mothers day stuff. and just to let you know how precious that piggy bank money is, i haven;t touched it in two years. two fucking years. thats how much it means to me. its my last resort, my allibi, my worst case scenario. and now i have to use it just because you fucking left me behind in a bookstore when i needed to buy a book(i have resorted to reading fearless people, thats how pathetic i am) and yet i only have 17 dollars, whihc was thank god just enough. and now i have no fucking money.

im hope your damn fucking happy now that i'm broke and cant get a mothers day present and have to dig into my emergency cash. i hope you're damn fucking happy, cuz im sure you are.

after all, you must have planned this right from the very start.

i'm having a particularly shitty day, so please ignore me if i start offedning peopl, since insults are fully intended. and just to let you noe, i dun give a fucking damn what u think anymore....i dun give a fucking damn about the world.
shitty papers. really fucking shitty. maths?who needs it..history? scribbling till the end....ppl, let me announce that i m officially demoralised,desanctillised, ostracised and aliniezed.
god. how much school sucks? alot. a lot lot lot fucking lot. i am most sorry to say.
i need to vent my anger somewhere..anger at what?? anger at myself. for not being able to do well for maths, for not putting provenance in my compare n contrast 4 history, for studying the things which dint come out and not studying the things which did, for not rounding off 2 3sign fig, for not reading the graph qtn properly, for not knowing how 2 do so much algebra, for being careless, for being stupid, for being lazy, for being dumb for being ME..
for being fucking me.
and science is a bummer. i cant finfish my notes. only up 2 sec2 chpt 2 now, and i cant be bothered 2 continue. so glad i dun have to go to school tmr. i've just abt had it wif that school of mine. i hate the fucking peach building with blue cervices and sky blue paint. and yellow metal blinds and blue canteen tables and...
argh u get da fucking point here,i believe
cant wait 4 wednesday. trng will be over n i can go watch van helsing. dad approved. dats a white shining brilliance...
i hate dat i hav trng right after lit. cant i at least enjoy da last day of my exams? argh god wad sadists.
wait.
last time i checked i wasnt any fucking better.
right.
well.
like i fucking crae anyway.
have i mentioned that i've been saying fuck alot lately?
hardly needs 2 be said does it.
~

my internet's been bitching lately. argh. i've had to restart my explorer like 6 times before i could do anything right. and it keeps on jamming wif pop ups and such....annoying!! note to self, do not download plug ins....
its raining today...was raining at least....at first it was really brightin the morning, then when alethea and i got out of the comp lab, the sky was this dark dark shade of abysmal grey that it looked black..!! so cool...and we were saying how it looked as if there was a great battle taking place, and the sky was just the perfect colour....*sigh*
*eyes take on distant look and stray away from the computer screen*
oops. right. sorry.
well anywyas, i got round to doing a bit of the story, with a hwole new storyline i came up with *smirk* im so clever ya?? haha...jamie's egoism has passed on...and so the twins are equalized..LOLX
here's a piece of art i've been working on..


its not coloured, and i tried to make the lines less jaggy...cuz my twin said they were squiggly...=P
anyways thats hang wyngarde, and yes those are fangs, and yes she's a vamp.
deal with it ppl.
oh and i drew my mum a hakkai-ish person with pweedy hair for momma's day!! i kinda like how it turned out..but i gotta think of more to do..=)
i love my mommie and iw anna give her something special...mayb i shall go by some flowers on sunday, on my way 2 suntec...??yeah...good idea!!
heex. time to mug over maths(or not?)lol..exams almost done with and jamie n i wanna go watch van helsing, and elaine+janice+me r gonna watch troy. hopefully ale can come!!
can't wait for 11th may!!

You're Element is Night. You're a loner who is very
creative but never show your work to anyone.
You may smile a little but sadness or
loneliness surround you and other can feel it
when they're near you. You have a dark or
unusual beauty that makes you mysterious and
you probably have a lot of secrets that you've
never told anyone. You're beauty is intriging
and unorthidox but the real thing that makes
you special is your eyes. Something in them
makes them like "Diamonds in the
Rough".


What's Your Element(girls)? (PICTURES)
brought to you by Quizilla

deceiving,bleeding,escaping
all the truth and the lies
you catch me you call me
you look into my eyes.
and then i'm in your spell
you burn me up like hell
break my back in two
im being boned by you.
the fear and the tension
that makes me complete
i fall down from heaven
will i land on my feet?
it's plain ridiculous
this pain it strengthens us
you broke my wings in two
i'm being boned by you.
its cold and it kills me
my blood on the snow
swirling entwirling
pulls me down low
the sun sets across the sea
i leak through you can't catch me
i freeze into quicksilver blue
i've been boned by you.
~*~

My Fortune's Faded

dun ask me wad da past entry was all abt cuz i dunno....maths and hist in 2 days!! *gasp* so close...
=(
i feel unoreoared....bttr go study after this.haven't even read my history yet, and its chpt 4,5,6,7,8....like whoa. and also its 3 seq and 4sbq,1h15min!!! how da hell am i gonna finish???
argh. and my maths isnt that good either, although it was better than i thought...i could do the algebra and i was so happy with myself LOL....hopefully i won;t get stressed out during the exam and not be able to think straight.
and i've also just realised how much i gotta study 4 sci and geog as well...argh. im gonna hav a crummy weekend this week.

can't wait for MYEs 2 be over..next tuesday!!! so near yet so far, as they all say..
and theres my story. having major writer's block ALL OVER AGAIN...! dammit. i hav a few ideas worth exploring, but i gotta see wad nat says abt all this. and its momma's day on sunday...so i also hafta busy myself wif gettin a prezzie...
man.
can't i be resigned to a better destiny than such??
i did a pretty okay pic. but i hav no time 2 colour, which is sad, cuz it has a great potential if it were coloure.d
ok im sprouting nonsense again. i'm going 2 work on my story. today. i must.
i can;t delay it anymore, cuz its bubbling up...
that will to write, that weird feeling that seems to poke at you and go "pick up that pen and write"...i dunno. i dun understand it myself. its this strange heat that makes me sweat and shiver at the same time. to write. the will to write.

ahhh if one day i meet my muse, what would he say to me? i'd of course, spank it first for going on too mnay vacations...and then it would reply with a snide comment just like i would. my muse...so much like me. almost a part of me...maybe it IS a part of me. God gave me a muse that's different from everyone else, and made me different from everyone else.
the world calls those who can't fit in lost souls.

i think they're just wondering hearts.

awesome movie
-u SO have 2 check dat out!-
align=left>
I adopted a cute lil' gothy fetus
from Fetusmart! Hooray fetus!







ok so call me a sicko. im feeling spychotic today. and i'll be back 2 give ya more..cuz i jus saw something dat will creeep yoouuu ooouuuttt.....oy maybe not. =)
gonna go find stuff to scare da world.

So Beautiful

I knew
Once before my time was up
I could speak of His love
And it wasn't that unnatural
Before this
Couldn't stop talking bout His heart
Different words from my lips would part
Back then it was so magical

Then He came into my life
And took back my foolish pride
And my rose-coloured glasses shattered into
A millions little pieces of you

And I feel
This Love
Like the wind against my feet
And I feel
This heart
Carrying me in its soft beat
He is so beautiful
He is so beautiful

He came
He came and saw it all
And conquered me to the floor
Drowning in His rainbow love
And
The lions they would roar
For the sun had hit the shore
But I was still clueless

Then God came into my life
Set my ice heart on fire
And I couldn't do anything
Except Live for Him

And I feel
This love
Like the winter breeze
And I feel
This heart
And it helps me to see
He is so beautiful
He is so beautiful

And I knew the sky was darkening
A million stars to rise
I said, "How can I live for You
When I'm afraid to die?"
And then came the reply
"If you're afraid to burn
How can you be on fire?"

And I hold
This love
That sails across my sea
And I hold
This heart
Burning right in front of me
He is so beautiful
He is so beautiful

-------------------------------<<~~***|||xxxxXXXxxxXXXxxxxXXX||***~~>>-------------------------------------

i just wrote this. it does hav a tune. but is has a rock-busted-yellowcard-switchfoot-simpleplan-ish kinda sound....
argh i dunno. im jus being weird.
and some crap i realised. when we were ordering football jerseys at hogc,i was thinking wad 2 put on it. and i thought of gryphon, my msn nick....so now i have adopted the nickname gryphon.
In the minds of many Gryphon's Guild members, the Gryphon should also symbolize Chivalry, for through the Gryphon it is not dead; Loyalty, for the Gryphon is forever loyal to its mate and friends; Intelligence, for the Gryphon is learned and has a biting wit; Beauty, for no animal surpasses it; Grace, for it is lithe and agile; and Power, for it is a powerful being by nature. It could symbolize many other things as well, for it is a many faceted jewel in the treasure of life.
yeah.so now. im Gryphon.

....if i could find You now...it would be better...

went HoGC today. took mrt 2 suntec b4 dat, and consumed an entire big gulp...almost wanted 2 buy bram stroker's dracula, but decided dat my rents would rant if they found out...-_-" there r always other chances...
joann prayed for me when pst how asked the leaders to go and prophesieth on the others. her prophecy(it sounds so coolXP) said i would be a writer for God, and my work would be filled with His spirit...and i wouldn't just be an ordinary writer, i would be God's writer... wow....my hands working for God..?like whoa. so i guess dats my new goal in life. To write for god, be God's writer...God's hands....

i was walking ard suntec, and i was just wondering about how others saw me. most ppl think i'm anti social, and scary, and psychotic...i mean, just because i wear an ankh around my neck and look for Dracula, and read Hellsing and anne rice and holly black and frensesca lia block....that doesnt make me a total weirdo...
i'm not crazy. i'm not an occultist, i do not worship the devil, i do not turn crosses upside down. i'm not a pagan, im not a heathen, i'm not and incubus or a succubus. i'm not a self-mutilator, im not a No Life King, im not a vampiress, im not a bloodsucking dirtbag, im not a hellhound. i do not come from hell, im not a demon, i'm not a witch. i don't spend my days mutilating badly made voodoo dolls, i don't dance around cauldrons and i most certainly don't have a flying broomstick. i can;t turn into a bat, i don't sleep in a coffin. my skin is not pale, my eyes are not red, i do not have fangs. i'm not Nosferatu, or Vlad Dracula.

so stop staring at me like i am.

ok dat was two ironies battling with each other. strange isn't it? i think i really am insane. but no matter, insane is good. in a way.....
so how would i describe myself?gothic yes, but not to the point of extremity. and i like it that way. no one's gonna change me...just like i will write for God, and no one will get in my way...
+to be on fire, you have to burn+
~

mist & shadow

my comp is currently crappin out me. ack. oh well at least it still cooperates....-_-"
i jus finished watching lotr Fellowship of the Ring for the god knows how manieth time...and i still love it like hell. =) yup. its like everytime i watch that movie i see something ive nvr seen before. its kinda freeky maybe.....but it stil rox.
oh n hav i mentioned how lame my house is? as in Rose? yep. u noe, i think we got last for sports day. n our cheerleading was really messy. Rose sux. i mean we r pathetic unenthu losers. who have pink hair and ribbons. *shudder* i dread just thinking of it. of all houses, why did they have to put me in Rose with its awful pink..!oh god..
sports day was ok i guess. went abt giving/returning batons and ushering the pri. sch ppl...and hoping 2a wld get something but they obviously didn't =P
but no worries abi,amuda,faizah,losh....u did ur best ya.
^.^

haha. i read the first book of spiderwick chronicles. and its cool. i like the brownie in the books...its really cute lol...
and i finsihed my Hellsing..!!! =D
it was awesome man. just completely awesome. i loved the last ep, and i now have changed my rankings of Like. Alucard,Seras,Helena,INtegra,Walter,Enrico.
yeah thats my new ranking now haha....
and i kinda like seras now cuz shes actually quite cool. and she gets da best costumes lolx.
mumz home
uhoh