...esperance...

Esperance.
it means hope.
the irony is that, there is little hope in life. i've been feeling like shit all week. everything seems to be falling on me and working in conjunction to push me off the edge. let me tell you, it's damn well working.
bazhang had to awaken the monster in me. and i had to get back my results. 91 in level. 91..! and 17 in class....wad da fuck is wrong wif me? only 3 a2s and four b3s and 1 c6
the weight settles on me like an executioner's axe...
how am i to face up to my mum and dad? what should i fear?? the worst case scenario..?
*wry smile*
and to think, there are certain people who can get 90 and complain about it...thats humanly impossible, or at least i thought so. until *blank* did...i mean, shes got like god-noes-how-many a1's and like 1st or 2nd in class and 5th in level or sth...and *blank* is still goin on and on about how she could have done better. god i can just shoot *blank* sometimes....

how can some people be so completely idiotic? its unearthly, i tell you...
they try to seem as if they're sympathetic and theyr so much worse than you, but its so damn fucking fake....its obvious, and i dunnno why i bother being nice about it. seriously, now i cant be bothered to argue my innocence or prove my point or tell ppl off. if they wanna be like dat, its their loss and i aint caring abt it.
argh. i cant stand all these ppl hu r sooo hardworking and yet whine and just make me more annoyed.

and notice i say hardworking. ever noticed how ppl will worship all those geniuses, and they think everyone else is completely 100 % dumb wif da iq of a rock? seriously....im not boasting ok...but i might not be top but im not completely STUPID either..give me some credit..! just becuz i dun top class, or get straught distinctions or know every word in the sci tb doesnt mean im some dumbass....
ppl r shallow. there r many ppl hu think im a no-brainer. many ppl think that im slow and not sharp just becuz im not actively nasty and i tend to be a bit dramatic. they just think im stupid...and its extremely infuriating. im NOT stupid. if i, or 4 dat matter everyone studied as hard as some ppl, we could prob beat them lots...
really.
its only how much we study. so stop thinking im empty, and i dun understand ur jokes, or dat i dun notice certain emotions ppl display, or dat i dunno ur ulterior motive. because let me tell you, i do. im just nice enough or culdnt care less abt exposing you.

trust me. if i wanted to be mean, i can be.
then u'll be sorry because i'll use u and manipulate u and betray you.
i noe more than i let on.....
remember that.