have u seen the sky lately?
its gold.really. the light that filters through my window, and defines the shadows on the walls-- its a marvelous shade of honey-ohcre-indian-sunshine-brightlight-neon-yellow gold. beautiful isn't enough to describe it. i haven't seen such a beauitful sky in a long time...
i remember the sky was violet and ochre and streaked crimson once, 3 years ago. that was one of the prettiest skies ever. violet and ochre and red....spreading like paint across a film of delicate sapphire-robin blue.
of course, skies in new zealnd were always like that. violet ochre crimson. or pale gold. or luminescent imperial blue. azure carpet as the sun sets and the moon rises, bleeding a sheet of stars. then black, dark as midnight and coal and smog.
colours.
it's funny, how the base colour of everything is black. imagine, everything you see around you can be separated, broken down, digested into black. black as the eggs of the beluga sturgeon, which will fade to oblivion without it. i dress in black, always a figure of dark and light, a pale moth, a shadow, a dark one, a child of the night. and yet my dreams-- they are in technicolour....they swirl and vivdly unroll across my vision, these double spots of unholy black fire which lengthen and shrink with the sources of light-- my eyes which lend me the colours and things i so vividly describe.
if i had not my sight, my mind would make its own reality.
i am a film negative of everyone else. they are blue red green and yellow, and in am black and white. they aspire towards something, their life is full of hope and adventure, and they are always smiling, always happy. i have no goal to reach other than that of my writing, my life is dim as the stars in the sky, and i look like a black and white photograph beside them, modern kodaks of multi-colour. i glow with dark light. they shine with vivid brilliance. i wear millions of masks over and over and over again, and they smile and alugh and grin and live like there is naught in the world but hope and joy and peace.
i wonder if they dream in black and white, and i in technicolour?

i am like violet in francesca lia block's novel, lestat in anne rice's mind,aubrey in amelia rhodes' books...

that girl with the short hair, the sly-looking kid, prankster, fool, jester, "what's your name again?",hat, elf, that tall girl, "why you so tall?", fe, fefe, fifi, feefee, iron, irondora,sarcastic fool, anime-crazy, poet, shakespeare, sister, loner, "smile!", slacker, evil twin, depressant, unenthusiastic, crappy, insane crazy gurl, foul mouth, "so bad!", "fe, you're mean."

someone please inform me, which face is the real one?