S.O.S -- Good Charlotte

Is anybody listening?
Can you hear me when I call?
I'm shooting signals in the air,
Cuz I need somebody's help
I can't make it on my own,
So I'm giving up myself
Is anybody listening?

I've been stranded here and I'm miles away
Making signals hoping they save me
I lock myself inside these walls
Cuz out there I'm always wrong
I don't think I'm gonna make it
So while I'm sitting here on the eve of my defeat
I write this letter and hope it saves me

[chorus:]
Is anybody listening?
Can they hear me when I call?
I'm shooting signals in the air
'Cause I need somebody's help
I can't make it on my own
So I'm giving up myself
Is anybody listening?

I'm stuck in my own head and I'm oceans away
Would anybody notice if I chose to stay?
I'll send an S.O.S. tonight
And wonder if I will survive
How in the hell did I get so far away this time?
So now I'm sitting here
And the time of my departure's near
I say a prayer please, someone save me

[chorus]

[bridge:]
I'm lost here
I can't make it on my own
I don't wanna die alone
I'm so scared
Drowning now
Reaching out
Holding onto everything I know
Crying out
Dying now
Need some help

Is anybody listening?
Can they hear me when I call?
Shooting signals in the air
I need somebody's help
I can't make it on my own
I'm giving up myself
Is anybody listening?

i'm hiding my pain. can no one see through me?
it's been so long. 2 months and a week.
gone.
like the lightning which flashes across the sky. blinking. brilliant. reverent.
dissipating.
i feel...deep. endless. lost in a limbo of terrible and great sadness, and insane joy.
she's leaving again.
i've said goodbye once, and i say it again.
how many times can my heart break and mend again?
it pains me. i smile, but it's pained. always pained.
everything feels so empty. i feel so empty.
my best friend in the whole world, my soul sister, my guardian angel, my secret-holder.
i am loosing her again. she is fading away..i catch her but she slips through me. when will i find her again?
i am driven by the raving madness, fueled by the hollow in my heart. i need to feel her near, to know that we are on the same piece of land, not oceans away.
i want more than the electronic message of an email, or the muffled voice over the freakish telephone.
to see her face, and look into her eyes, to be in her presence.
it cannot be replaced so easily.
i cannot cry. the pain goes beyond tears and hurt and pain. it borders on numbness. icy cold, fever.
i am becoming the ice queen again.
aloof and dead to the world. my will to live, my purpose in life is suddenly blurred.
i wish i could forget her but i can't. i wish i could pack my bags and fly off with her, but i can't.
one day, we said, on the phone before her flight. one day we would be together, and we would speak to each other face to face. tour the world, we said. she, the director of our movie, i the scriptwright. we would have our own apartment. we would live together like sisters should.
big dreams, i answered.
yes, she said.
they will come to pass, we agreed.

yet i still miss her. i miss he rlike i did two years ago. life is so different now-- i am so different now. yet the hurt is still the same.
the one perosn whom i treasured the most, who i could talk to about anything, who i could rely on to understand me always. i could always talk to her, always pour out my heart and soul before and not feel ashamed. so deeply and wholly did we know each other. that one person. why did she have to go away?
i'm burning up, but it is a cold fire. i am hollowed out, and i am a shell of ice.
i don't care about anything anymore-- the numbness i feel consumes me.
i smile. i pretend to make funny laughing noises on the computer, when they mean nothing in my eyes.
because the pain, the agony, the loneliness, the darkness, the coldness, the agony which drills into my soul goes beyond words or sound or picture.
it stays there, a demon in my heart.
i slash at it, and it slinks away.

everyone yells at me, annoys me. not a moment of peace to feel that pain fully enough to dispense of it. it stays locked up, inside me, brimming over. but not spilling out.

i will be there, i had said. one day i will be there with you, i promised.i vowed.
i always keep my promises.

trala.
i'm blogging again. does anyone even read this?? anyway something really retarded happened today so i just wanted to blog about it.
went out with Natalie to watch Elektra at suntec. she's flying back to new zealand on monday. sighs...well anyway let's not get into dat. alethea couldn't come along...oh well it was still quite fun.
yeah, anyway....we were buying popcorn at ENgwah...then there was this mad asshole who came up at the side of the popcorn-selling-counter and started yelling like some freaking madman...

"fuck you! you fucker, you think you own the cinema. i don't wanna see your fucking face! you won't survive in the army. you fucker, you fuck off okay."

i was like WHAT THE HELL? the lady behind the counter was going, "please sir, language." and then the guy he was yelling at came round back and went, "right i'm so scared." in that sarcastic tone. i was like wootzing for him. i mean seriously that was so damn immature. i said, quite loudly in fornt of the counter person, what the hell is his problem. and natalie was more civilised than i was....i wanted to just shout at that guy, "hey dude, whats your frekaing problem man." i swear i was so close to yelling back at him....if anyone said that to me i'd blow a hole through his head. nat was like, "so what if the sound doesn't work. you don't have to shout like that."

and i was like, "yeah. people are just so retarded sometimes."
argh. my god i wanted to just slap him or something. so childish!! he was like pointing and saying fuck over and over again. seriously, someone ought to give him a good hard, extremely painful punch in the hand. wake some sense into him so he can act his own age. the manager was really patient and actually talked him nicely while he was busy swearing...

ARGH
i absolutely cannot STAND stupid, retarded, lame, immature people who think every owes them a living and they have the right too say something like fuck to anyone they like and still have the idea they're so righteous. THESE PEOPLE OUGHT TO BE WHACKED ON THE HEAD WITH AN ORGAN PIPE. WHERE IS THE JUSTICE IN THE WORLD???
sheesh....i was really really pissed off, even though it wasn;t meant for me i felt like it was. i felt ready to just scream back at that man about how completely spastically retarded and assholic he was. stupid bastard.
right. sorry...i'm just so bloody friggin annoyed with people.
anyway Elektra was quite nice. the ideas were pretty good...yeah kae,dats what i wanted to say.
and once again,
immature bratty adults who insult people for unreasonable and selfish reasons are petty and moronic. let's all skewer them with gigantic satay sticks.
=P

i just spent the whole afternoon obsessing over my blog template. geez.
i tried out like 6 before i gave up and just smacked this one on....i hope it looks alright. blahhh...
my head hurts now. arghh. parent's are goin out for some stupid dinner thing. at least i get peace and quiet at home. too bad i'm stuck with a tonne of math work form my mum. sheesh man...is everyone conspiring to drown innocent school-going girls in homework??
for the wonderful Hari Raya weekend we have...
-amaths ass 3.1 & 5
-emaths ex 2d & f (or sth liddat)
-zuoye
-banyueji
-eng compre
-chem ws

u noe, this makes me dread the New Year...=,=
moronic teachers!! blahh. today was eventful.
maria got very pissed at aish cuz she brought her pe shirt but dint change, and miss leong almost made us run 2 extra rounds for jogging. she had this really pissed off expression when she told aish off...then during assembly aish wuldn't be nice and swap places with me n mario, and maria was like yelling at her and i just sat aside keeping quiet. ...bish. i have to admit she annoyed me too. i was just nice enough to shut up. =P
my leg is still swollen. i am still pissed. past few days my patience has been very short..i dunno why. sighh.
i must try to be less easily pissed! argh.
anyway, we came up with our class slogan thing.

3 Zenith
Get Zeddified
me n mario came up wif the Get Zeddified part...and we just flipped through some dictionaries for Zenith. haha...cool huh? yes copyrighted to 3z!!! =.=
now mario and i are planning to make a class hoody....or at least we hope assuming everyone cooperates...and the price is right. haha.
well yes. my last day of the week.
oh alethea gave me a mushdale puddale!! so squishily cute!!

i am getting very distracted lately. blahh.
my leg is still at a stand still-- no progress whatsoever. i think it even looks bigger. damn. i have to get back to training and start walking properly! everyone looks at me like i'm a handicap or something. some catchphrases which i have, as of now, started to hear very often...
"you sprained your leg?" (durh...)
"how's your leg today?"( oh it's fine, except that it's still in it's bandage and is twice its normal size and hurts like hell.)
"what happened to your leg?"( i decided a bandage looks nice and so i put it there. oh no, of course i didn't sprain it...)
"how did you sprain it?"( i jumped off my block of flats and landed on the wrong leg. yes! its only a sprain!)

=.=
okay i'm sorry! i know you all mean well and i love you BUT has it ever struck you how ridiculous the questions you ask are? haha...all right there is definitely something wrong with me...i've been humming This is how we do by 50cent the whole day(is that the title? it evades me...) and talking shakespeare-y wif maria after school..yes! Twelfth Knight rocks. i mean seriously, it might be hard to understand and all, but it's really quite hilarious...

If music be the food of love, play on,
Give me excess of it, that, surfeiting,
The apetite may sicken and so die.
-orsino

O, when mine eyes did see Olivia first
Methough she purged the air of pestilence.
That instant I was turned into a hart,
And my desires, like fell and cruel hounds,
E'er since pursue me.
-orsino on olivia

haha....methought...maria and i had a good laugh over that one. she was like, methinks these art splendid ideas! and we were going, O, Thou art an idiot!(in dat britishy slangy accent)right...it was fun. Shakespeare is fun. i thought i would die trying to understand but it isn't that bad really...
i guess things are finally not too bad for me. i'm beginning to like my class....oh well. my head hurts and blahh..my brain has been overworked(??!) lol...
oh OHHH
MY ARTEMIS FOWL BOOK AND ETERNITY CODE ARE MISSING AND GONE FOREVER WHO'S THE IDIOT SAVANT WHO HAS IT??!!
*sobsob*

today is a sickening f***ed up day.

i'm sorry but thats the mildest definition i could think of dammit...try to appreciate something...
sighh...
apologies people. my nerves are very very short right now.
so lets list down the happenings of the day...
first we had PE, and had to prepare for the damn OAC. yea...so i ahd to run to 3P to borrow track pants cuz Audrey's had these super obvious orange stripes..blah. anyway, we were late in finishing the OAC stuff, so we were the last class for jogging. hurrah. our recess gotten eaten up so bad, we only had five minutes. Good thing michael chia was nice enough to give us ten more minutes....
so we had chem in the lab...quite okay i guess...den it was geog, where i got a terrible headache from staring at the slides too much...and my foot which has been hurting and throbbing, became extra pain after jogging...so i was ooh-ing and ahh-ing the whole chinese lesson away...dat was NOTHING compared to later...

so i went lunch and ate a moderate amount....jamie had this pus thing on her leg and i kept threatening to burst it...i smacked xin ni's hand down on the pus-pimple-thing and she complained it was pain, but we later found out it was her paranoia...
yeah..den we started training...everything was nromal till we did weights...jamie haiyun and i were the last group, and then amelia came and waited for us. then mr seem got really pissed cuz we took so long, and there was a whole big misunderstanding and mr seem got even more pissed and made us jog 10 rounds aorund the school...which adds up to 6km. joy..
i was half dead...yes screw my sucky stamina...dammit my legs were like jelly. plus i wa spounding continously on that sprained-esque ankle..bahh...i was breathing through my mouth and nose and my throat was uber sore...jamie amanda amelia and i were like the last few, and we all were getting chills cuz the wind was blowing at us and our body temperature was kinda high and we were slick with sweat and grime....it felt terrible my goodness...
then amelia kept syaing it was her fualt, and i kept telling her it wasn't...i mean it really wasn't..yeah..
so anyway, we miraculously completed 10 rounds around the school in 44mins. whee...
and to add tot hast, my toe was bleeding cuz the nail squished into the skin.
trala. aching back, sore legs, bunched up muscles. go me...

6km runs are ever so pleasurable don't you thinK??

i'm not sure what to feel anymore.
life has been..confusing and tiring.
many things happened in just one short week.
training has been alot of weights lately, which is good and bad. i've been feeling really weak and i couldn't lift very heavy stuff...kind of degrading i think...but it's all worht it to improve i guess.
alethea transferred into 3Z. she wa sgetting really stressed and stuff in 3P so here she is....i really need to encourage her and help her get through all the stress and stuff...so i'll remember her in my prayers and pray that she will be healed and feel the love of God in her..
i guess my class wasn't as bad as i thought they were on the first day. guess i kinda missed my old class too much. but 3Z is quite fun..people there are mad, which is good i can be mad with them. school has been really tiring. i've been either training or studying for the whole week, and now i feel quite drained. and i'm always zoning out on people because there are too many things on my mind--studies, results, teachers, alethea's problems and how i should help her, church, God...some are good to think about, others not so much.
sheesh...
i feel like a zombie.
well maybe not a zombie...i feel like im encased in ice and i can't stop thinking about things.
i think i'm getting a flu. my nose is sniffly and i hav a cough...
i hate getting sick.
no i'm not over-stressed.
i'm just.
working hard.
its a big change, trust me.

Think of me,
think of me fondly,
when we've said goodbye.
Remember me
once in a while-
please promise me you'll try.

=(
first day in 3Z.
delightful...
and i mean that in all the sarcasm possible.
our classroom is okay i guess. in the end we did get the container but the air-con is pretty sucky half the time. i felt so isolated out there, because all the other sec3's were on the third level. mario and i were th eonly 2aians there, and we were sitting near the window...i kept looking out at the classroom block. sighh..
i miss 2A soo much!!
i spent every free minute in either 3P or 3S, roaming around and talking to alethea and cassk and amuda and elaine and shirlyn and aruna and amira... =(
amira gave me a big hug in the hall after OAC briefing and i think i really needed it...i felt so sad after she did. the whole day i kept thinking of everyone being able to stay with each other, and here maria and i were miserable loners in our class....
i was so close to crying the whole day.
i kept thinking of alethea and her desktop, and shirlyn smsing under the table, and amuda wif her mp3, and amira cracking lame jokes, and elaine helping me keep track of lessons, and tinetine being sarcastic, and charlena being bhb....
it was a very icy hell.
one of my worst first days ever...i didn't talk to many people,just casual conversation...
our teachers are all lame or super boring. and our class is so tiny its like..28 people. half of us have positions. pathetic...i ended up being lit rep n maria got saboed into being sports "secretary".
haha.
training tomorrow...i dun feel up to it at all. my school life seems so miserable now. i miss alethea and amira and amuda and the entire 2a!
=(((
listening to Phantom soundtrack again.
and i still feel like crying.

dread...
that word, that insidious word..dread.fear.loathe.hate.
love.pain.hurt.loss.
one more day and my superficial heaven-on-earth will end.
goodbye to the so-called Shangri-la.
Crushed. yes its like i have been saying-- i feel like i'm being eaten up, piece by piece.
it's like what alethea said,
that one day we might pass each other in the corridors, and just say hi or even pretend we didn't see.
it scares me. it makes me feel hollow and plunged into, well...
loneliness? not quite strong enough.
pain? not really.
it's like..a place of frozen iciness, where you watch things and can do nothing about it.
like in stwar wras, when han was frozen in carbonite.
yes, a living grave, where you alive but immobile.
a Shell.
a ghost of yourself.
indeed.
listening to the Phantom of the Opera OSt. now more than ever its shaking my soul so hard i was trembling.
3Z. with maria. i hope we get the container classroom-- at leats ONE thing good will come from this.
i wish we never had to change classes. damn. life is like...a veyr badly designed rollercoaster.
i don't like watching people suffer alone.
i don't like knowing that other people are alone.
and most of all,
i don't like making myself alone, when i know that people need me.
people usually get the impression i don't fear making friends and things like that.
but my greatest fear is not bugs or ants or roaches or falling off a building and neve rhitting the ground.
do you know what u fear most?
change, my friends.
i fear change,
and the loneliness which comes along with it.

just to end off, darren we both love God and I never want to compromise on that. you should know by now how it is with me.. God will still be first.