im tired.
veryveryvery tired.
not physically but mentally.
i dont wanna talk about it.
suffice to say,
i hated camp. i hated those bloody six days and i wish they had never happened.
i just wish things could be the same again.
i'm trying to be strong here.i really am.
but what's the point of being strong
when your heart aches with weakness inside.

camp camp HEYdeeHO!
let's all suffer and die together!
camp camp BLAdeyBLOW!
let's all miss our infinitely cleaner toilets and beds together!
camp camp WAymeWOAH!
let's all moan about missing church/SOW together!
camp camp MARmeMOO!
let's all read the bible at unholy hours in the morning like jesus freaks and sing worship songs together!
camp camp SHAYsheeSHOU!
let's all live through this together!

sing sing i love You so...
sing! because the world can't take away
Your LOVE~~

joyi+ale+fe=fellowcampsufferers/jesusfreaks/academyundergrads
lets live it out together!
^___^

One thousand years.

One would think it could go on forever and ever. It should have anyway, in my opinion. The end of a thousand years came too soon for me. I listened to the Elders speaking of my time, listened to them speak of my coming Death. A pity, they all said. I had such power, such resilience, such determination. All gone to waste, because I could not earn the place of an Elder. A pity, they brooded. The poor child shall have to fall-- just like all the other glittery stars which littered the vlevet black blood of the night sky. The Elders, they said it with such immense grief you would think it was even some part sincere.

I laughed.

The Elders were never sincere. They had watched the comings and goings of millions of stars, sat through tousands upon thousands of years, watching Death claim us all. Mother Moon could do nothing about it, for Father Sun forbid her icy touch upon our shimmering souls-- our star fire. I shivered at this. Mother Moon may have been exultantly cold, but she seemed to care more for her child stars than Father Sun did. It always perplexed me, this. But it was just a mere distraction as I sat in the court of the Elders and pretended not to hear as they read my name out in the list of the Dead. My star fire was shaking, shuddering as if blown by a powerful gale. There was no sadness in me, only anger. Pure white seething anger. I must have glowed a little too brightly, for the other stars shuffled a distance away from me.

Calcifer, they whispered, in the tinkly quiet voices us stars have. Calcifer, your time is here.

Descend well!

How ironic. I had always thought the art of descending rather pointless. There was no justification in accumulating your grace when a few moments later, you hit the hardness of hateful earth and end up Dead, like so many others before you. Sometimes I wish I hadn't been made a star, although the freedom and flight it grants you is thrilling and life is far longer than that of mere humans. But I look down at the humans on earth, watch them carry out activities I can only dream about. I see their hopes, aspirations, faith. I see their love-- the one concept us stars have never been able to grasp. Love-- what did it mean? It was such an enigma to us. I would never know, I thought bitterly. My thousand years had been exhausted.

The hollow part where my star fire had been was now a dull, throbbing ache-- the pain muted and grey. My star fire was slowly fading away, toppling like dominoes into a vague nothingness. Is this what it feels like, what it feels like to Die? My thoughts fragmented and shattered into millions of tiny pieces, floating in the vast emptiness of the sky.

I was falling.

I felt it, the pull towards the ground, the strong merciless magnetism which dragged me. I cried out, but no sound emerged. My light dwindled, flickered as I fell through time and space. Everything swam past me, fast and swift like darting shadows while i stood still-- or perhaps it was the other way round. I wanted to weep, but stars have no tears. We have no heart, no soul, no spirit, no emotion.

The realisation dawned upon me all of a sudden. Love. Love is of the spirit and soul, and we have neither. Empty, soulless, cold.

We are stars. That is our nature. When we die we are erased forever, not a trace left behind. No remnants, just a broken heart that never was.

I am a star. That is my nature.

---------------------

The wind blew across his face. What a cold night! The young wizard thought. He brushed back his deep blue-black hair and strode in the tall grass, watching the stars fall. What had his uncle told him, about falling stars? He couldn't remember--it wasn't the time to remember lessons. He just wanted to leave the world for a moment and rest.

The young wizard Howl smiled as he watched stars streaking across the sky, leaving luminous trails of glitter in their wake. His boots barely touched the soil as he ran, trying to catch the glittering star fire as they tumbled down from the heavens. He sprinted alongside one, racing to catch up with it. He lost his balance, and tripped unceremoniously. The star darted out of sight, and its glow dissipated into the dark night. Howl frowned. He was determined to catch at least one falling star.

He rose again, jaw clenched tightly and eyes set with fierce determination. He was a stubborn boy, Howl-- when he set his mind on something, everything else fell away for him to accomplish his goal. His eyes roamed the skies expertly, fixing on one star as it joined its brethren in their fall. His legs moved quickly and forcefully, propelling him forward. The wind ruffled Howl's hair and tugged at his jerkin, but he continued on as if it were nothing. He fell in step with the falling star, taunting it and daring it to go faster.

Howl pushed, pushed and sped and tested his limits. He darted forward, reaching out both hands expectantly-- just a bit more, a little bit more....

He skidded onto the ground, hand clenched tightly around a faintly glowing light. He was lying on his stomach, scraped and bruised, but his hands were unyielding. Howl got up slowly, shaking his hair into place. He risked a slight opening in between his fingers and glimpsed the faintly glowing blue-green light within. It entranced him, and he opened his hands further and stared at the spherical orb nestled there. It was pulsing slowly and faintly, like a dying heartbeat. Bluish light glowed softly, and purplish-emerald sparks were gilded in the middle. Howl had never seen something so amazing before, and his young and curious mind refused to let it go.

Wizard.. the star said, its voice slow and halting. I am Dying wizard. Let me go.

Howl did not move for a moment. He wasn't surprised that the star had spoken to him, but he had no idea that stars could Die. He felt its pain, its unwillingness to Die as well as the knowing it had to. It felt as if he had found the only other soul similar to his-- the same confidence, the same fury, the same zest to live. He wanted to save it. He needed to.

You cant, the star replied to his thoughts. The price is too great for you.

Howl put on a defiant face and whispered fiercely, "I want to!"

The star seemed to heave something like a sigh. Wizard, I need your heart.

Howl shut his eyes and inhaled deeply. No turning back, this was the final threshhold.

He poured the star's glimmering light in through his mouth and willed it to go deep into his chest, to where his heart was beating in excited thumps. Those thumps began to slow, then fade and finally disappear enitrely. He felt heat rising in his chest, and he craned his neck forward, expelling out a bluish substance that seemed semi-liquid. Two eyes made of green flame and a mouth of red fire appeared, grinning at him.

Howl didn't know what to feel. In fact, it was hard to feel very much anymore. He felt like a part of him had suddenly been torn away-- but that was the price he had been willing to pay. Why? He questioned himself. Why had he done something so foolish?

Howl had no answer.

The young wizard felt as distant as a falling star.

--------------

i wrote this. why?because i wanted to.

i love my drum sticks!!
^___^

whee~!!
haha...i have neglected my blog again bishhh....
yes i am offically HOWL CRAZY
oooh yeah! yesh i think i just went a bit MAD...i love Howl to bits!! Hauru-sama!
rightright...i can't stop thinking about that movie! *swoons and looks dreamy*
been very prone to zoning out the past few days...spent most of the week feeling sick.yuck..
and today i just did the howl piccy for my bloggie...i think it looks a bit weird ya...anyway, changed the song to Oasis by Gackt.

whaha.Valentines Day was kinda fun...got alot of sweets and chocs n pressies form people.yeah joy's scented candle so nice...and i still have some alethea's gummies left!! haha...
God is so AWESOME!!
i wa spraying for alethea and joy and the Holy Spirit told me to get joy a bible.wow! so i went and got one the next day...that was saturday i think.and guess what? joy is coming to church this sunday! yes Jesus rocks!! ^^
*does dance around room*
haha...and the next amazing thing that happened this week was alethea smsed me in the middle of v-day party and told me she wnated to come to HoGC! ahhh...i was so happy i was grinning like a madwoman. i spent such a long time trying to get her to church and then she just asked me one day. i was so ecstatic i felt like doing the Faerie Dance for Joy around the cafe =.= heehee..yeah! its been such an awesome week...

OAC next week which means i will miss SOW!!!!!!!! arghhhhhhhhh....screw our stupid school. blahh.
i dun wanna mis drums =(
*stabs oac instructors and teachers*
*STABSTABSTAB*
bishh.saaaadd!! why isnt joy in my oac group...! =.= yet again, the moronicness of teachers.
i am NOT looking forward to oac...its like im going to war or something. total violation of my human rights i tell you. i have to ask permission to carry out daily activities. sheesh. sometimes i wonder if its supposed to bond us or turn us into nazis...
0_o

alrighty...off u go in my howl-mad state.tata.

wow...looks like i have been neglecting to blog lately.
okay so this shall be a long entry since this week was very eventful...let me start from tuesday=.=
Tuesday
had CNY cleberations. super boring la...wanted to just fall asleep in the hall. sheesh. was sitting with sylvia and we were crapping alot. yah. after dat stayed behind a bit and waited for tinetine, lena and janice to come. WAH CHRISTINE TEO IS SO FRIGGIN TALLer. hahaa....seriosuly she grew so much lah...must be the IP thing..they get to wear jewelry!!sports shoes!! arghh. lena looked aorund the same, maybe a bit more mature. janice looked the same too, but her attitude's changed a bit...and her bag is LOW...hahaha. iw as like "LOOK LOOK! LOOK AT HER BAG!!!"
loll. so funny.
anyway yah...made me realise that people can change very easily in a short time.

hmm...joy and alethea and i went to taka with Yingxi and joanne. yes...we were in kino, and me and yingxi were at the magazine rack googling over GACKt's prettyprettybishiieeee face...hahaha....dne we bugged the lady to let us browse..ahh gackt-sama!! i bought dat dman mag wif so few pics of hyde*sobs* but oh well...den yingxi had to go back haishais =P alethea n joy wanted to go wheelock capsule station, so we spent a loonggg time there..and Joys sis bought her Howl's Moving Castle tickets! i was super pained man..wanted to watch so bad...
in the end alethea n joy went to kino again and jaonne n i hung around borders..haha...think i bored he rebing picky about my notebook and books...well its nto alot fo money on my giftcard! ^^
yayy.den i went home..quite tired n had to walk back. had reunion dinner but i stuck myself in my room drawing...guess i was too tired cuz it all turned out gross...

Wednesday and Thursday
normal new year visitations...went to see my great grandma. she was kinda sick lah...quite freaky. she couldnt move n her eyes were all glazed. felt very very awkward...still managed to pray for her..i wa slike mouthing words...dun want her to die...
yeah..had dinner at tai-yi's place. then there were these two angmohs dere. they never say anything or do anything or talk lah...just sit around. kinda stupid. i just diaoed dem. was one of the last to eat dinner...had to eat with the angmohs. completely ignored them..they were snobs. looked at me like i was an alien. n im like, ur the one who's extra here..happens to be MY family gathering...
second day was less stress...satyed at home most of the day and lazesd around..drew a bit. yingxi n i decided to do a manga...haha. yes. den went yi-ma's house for dinner. i wanted to watch Howl's Moving Castle but there was nog ood time.
yes. had dinner at yi-ma's house. the two angmohs were there AGAIN. still giving me the weird look. i just diaoed them again and acted like they didn't exist.found their presence extremely annoying. sheesh...stupid people. thank God i decided to go over to pam's house to rip cds and borrow books..haha. if not i would have died of boredom or ripped the angmohs' heads off.

Friday
nearly died in school...i kept zoning out during lesson time, but i seemed somewhat smarter that day...managed to concetrate during lit. i was quite dead....thinking too much about Hauru no Ugoku Shiro(howl's moving castle)...had to sit through math tuition...i literally fell asleep with my head on the backrest....im serious...barely slept that night. but Howl's Moving cAdstle was AWESOME!!!i watched it n was blown away..howl rocks...

today i had resource..quite uneventful..went to kino n bought howl books, saiyuki gunlock, n gackt magazine!!gackkkttt...
ok now im tired from drawing the manga cover.

KickaSs JroCK

-scape~with transparent wings : klaha
-oasis : gackt
-tsuki no uta : gackt
-smiley skeleton : pierrot
-spirits dream inside : l'arc~en~ciel
-loverboy : l'arc~en~ciel
-super shooter : ripslyme
-PRIDE : high and mighty colour[gundamseedDestinyOP]
-shine : hellsing[ED]
-haruka kanata : asian kungfu generation[naruto2ndOP]

yes. Jrock madness.
haha....oh well. i been to to see the creepy dolls there....anime-y dolls. blahh. im a bit insane as of late. i havent done most of my hw...
yay back to slacking..but i can't wait for chinese new year!
i bought this book Witnessing Without Fear. so awesome!!!
yes okay. off to listen to Oasis over and over again
=)