abkafbkdfnpedsfmspclasnxajlndlknfm;slda'af lmcX,QALSNFKDCMAS;X.Zdnmsvnlx,maosdislxap[]sloakpodc.;oe7ryt38wifjmxlf,d;.

no im not mad.
i just felt like doing dat. i havent typed gibberish since i was 5 years old. joyy.
mehehe. ahhhh u noe wad my mind feels like right now?? it feels like the above...
yes. gibberish. my claves ache liek hell. my back has this sharp pain everytime i move.
argh. shot put tmr!!! damn lah.
i feel so unconditioned. and dead tired.
i still feel RED RAINY.
but tired too.
i've been thinking alot. (yes ts rather surprising i noe)
contrary to what most people might think, i do think alot. not in the educational way but in the sense that i like to think about people and situations and stuff that happens.i do it all the time. when people talk to me, i think, remember when i first met her? or that time we did that-n-that?
i'm not being depressive just reflective.
i know that i really shouldn't feel this way, but sometimes i feel reallyreally alone.
i mean its like, i know i have Jesus and He's more than life and He's always there for me and that really really really rocks.
but i remember Sylvia telling me something. she said, "i've never had a true friend before."
and alethea replied, "how true are you fedora?"
and i gave that over dramatic haughty look and said, "you dare question my integrity?"
even as i said so i wondered.
do i have a true friend, other than Jesus? am i as true a friend as i wish to be?

arghhh. whywhywhyyy. dammit why.
why do i feel so alone. when i KNOW i KNOW that i have friends. i think. i hope.
sometimes im convinced its just me and God.
even though people prove their friendship over and over i still doubt them. why the fucking hell am i doing that? they don't bloody deserve it.
and what kind of friend am i to them??
i feel like i haven't paid them back enough.
i feel like i let them down all the time.
i feel like im never there when they need me.
i feel like im just some useless pillow they take and punch on every now and then adn next time, they forget it exists.
i feel like i'm incapable of caring for anyone.
i want to be the kind of friend they deserve.
looks like i can't do that. ever.

you know how sparrows bite their own tongues and kill themselves when they get trapped in a cage?
i feel like that. except that i made that cage. and since no one sees the pain i try to hide.
i might as well bite my own tongue and die like a sparrow.